The concept of self-confidence refers to having self-assurance in one’s judgement, ability, power, etc. One’s self-confidence increases from experiences of having mastered particular activities. It is a positive belief that in the future, one can generally accomplish what one wishes to do and, more specifically, trust in one’s ability to achieve a goal, according to Wikipedia. Alain De Bottom, the founder of The School of Life, a philosopher, author and a speaker, said that self-confidence is one of the most trivial but crucial ingredients behind success.

Though many are aware of the importance of self-confidence, the degree of influence is more significant than they imagine it to be. Researchers are starting to see self-confidence as a critical element of personal well-being and happiness.

The self-assurance and trust one has towards oneself is directly linked to almost every element that is involved in having a happy and fulfilled life. The courage and positive belief one has, is the most significant fuel towards one’s success. With that knowing and certainty, one can overcome any challenges that life brings upon them and pick themselves up in the roughest and toughest time.

People who have high self-confidence are less fearful, less anxious and have a more exceptional ability to calm that negative voice in their head. They have greater motivation and are more resilient too. When a person has high confidence, they are less focused on him or herself because they know they don’t feel lack and do not put themselves below others. They are proud of their authenticity and are not afraid to stand up for what they believe. They have better relationships and feel more fulfilled in life.

Born Confident

We are born with self-confidence, not afraid to be judged, and we do as we please. As babies, we cry when we are hungry, laugh aesthetically when we are happy and chuck a tantrum when we are upset, not bothered where we are or who is watching us. As babies, we were comfortable to express how we truly feel and exhibit our true-self.

Somewhere in our life, however, our parents ‘corrected’ the behaviours that they deemed inappropriate to conform to our culture and fit into the accepted set of social-behaviour.

Parenting Styles Influence Child’s Self-Confidence

As parents, we too have ‘corrected’ our children’s behaviour so that they fit into this standard pre-defined rule that is accepted by society. This process is widely known as disciplining our child. Unknown to some parents though is, how we teach our children has a significant influence on their confidence.

The overly strict parenting style crushes the innate confident and robust nature of a child. As for a more passive and agreeable nature child, the being excessively harsh and controlled led them to become obedient follower and people-pleaser, feeling obliged to others while they are dying for some freedom and independence inside.

On the other end of the spectrum, soft nature parents find it extremely difficult to regulate their fear, feeling overwhelmed in stressful situations, failing to standard their ground, fail to demonstrate self-confidence to their child.

Overly caring parental style too can cause children to become timid, having lived under their protection of the overly protective parents.

In all the above scenarios, grow children with confidence issues. In the same light, parents themselves are lacking self-confidence that they can allow their child the space to develop and grow. They lack trust towards their children’s ability to handle issues that arise, depriving them of the chances of learning and solving their problems.

Not having problem-solving opportunities and empowerment, children doubt themselves when faced with challenges in life. They either break-down, go into depression or anxiety not having the confidence, belief and determination to walk out of a sticky life situation. They may also end up blaming themselves, feeling guilty, or feeling responsible for their failure, just precisely like they felt when they were little and how their over-powering parents treated them.

Zack, a teenager that I coached, displays such behavior. Having overly strict parents, Zack did not have the confidence of making his own decisions. He feared making choices that would upset his parents. He was often unsure of what he needed to do, what he wanted in life and displayed an overly dependent behavior. He felt that he was not able to do anything right and would rather be dependent as he fears independence. As he no say most of the time and not empowered to make choices, he appeared as a uninterested and unmotivated towards life.

Education Performance and Self-Confidence

As an added complication, Zack was also behind in school and barely pass any tests. Failing to keep up with school work, he felt stupid, useless and was ashamed of himself. Feeling stifled at home and not doing well in school, his self-confidence was extremely low. As you can clearly see, it is a vicious cycle of low self-confidence resulting in low performance, and low performance causes even lower self-confidence.

The most unfortunate part of the current knowledge-based education system though, is school performance is directly linked to a child’s success. A child who is non-academic has the invisible constant push from society to do well academically, as there are no other ways that the current education system could measure them. Parents too have the old-school mindset of linking the children’s non-performance as a projection of non-achievement of the child’s future, not realising,education result is no longer the right bench mark in this current world.

Self-Confidence can be learnt and developed

The good news is, low self-confidence is an inherited problem. In contrary, it is a skill that one can rebuild and develop. There are various methods and strategies that one can use to help themselves or their children to rebuild the lost self-confidence. Next week, we will look at some case studies of how we can help our children to develop their self-confidence, become resilient and have a happier and fulfilled life.

Sir Richard Branson, the founder of Virgin Group, which controls more than 400 companies, an English business magnate, investor, author and philanthropist says, “There is no greater thing you can do with your life and your work than follow your passions – in a way that serves the world and you.”

Imagine, your work is your hobby, your passion. Will work ever be that stressful again? Will you dread getting out of bed every morning? When your job is not stressful, would you not be a much happier person, a less stressed parent? Imagine living life feeling much more alive than just ‘clocking in to clock out’.

When you are busy doing what you like, work is no longer work but just fun. When you are just having fun, you no longer need motivation because you are inspired.

What if you can give your child this kind of happiness? Can you even foster self-inspiration in your child?

Well, you can! Allow them to dream and live their dream.

It is not in our culture for one to dream and live their dream and it has been the path of only a handful of ‘lucky’ school dropouts like Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs, and Richard Branson. We have been brought up with the belief that dreams reside in our imaginary world, and it disappears as soon as we get a job or it could even be as soon as we step foot in school.

Why NOT dream when it is what we are born with? Why not, when you can see it in every child, feel it in their play, and hear it in their stories? Why limit our children just because we are too scared to walk our own dream? Why force our children to study just for a job, just for financial security?

Have you ever asked your child what he dreams of? Have you ever tried to find out what the one thing they want to change about this world is? What do they want to do, if they can choose to do anything at all? I suggest that you ask them these questions.

In the Chinese culture that I am familiar with, that purposeful and meaningful goal is determined by your parents, and your parents are influenced by their parents. The fulfilling and meaningful life, however, only goes as far as having a good career (having a regular income source in a white-collar job) and a family.

Many of these children click just by sheer force by the parents, and they realise they need financial independence to get out of home as quickly as they can. The other group of children are faithful followers of the life plan their parents charted for them.

My sessions with 18-year-old Jason precisely illustrated the above scenario. Jason said he wanted to be a physiotherapist yet finding the thought a little depressing. Attending school wasn’t exciting him either. He often questioned the meaning of life and has admitted that he woke up in the morning feeling depressed. Jason was a good looking, bright boy, who wanted to find a life partner eventually.

It took us four sessions before Jason finally admitted that he was interested in astronomy. However, he has never thought of it as a possible career as he knew his mother would not approve. Jason is an example of the child who was too afraid to admit what excites him in life, as no one ever gave him permission to voice it. Jason is not the only example, as I have since noticed a similar pattern in other children too. When children feel that their opinion and how they think don’t count, most of subconsciously learned to hide them deeply. So deep that it took a much longer time for them to finally acknowledged they too once have an interest, have a dream.

This second case study, Andy, is an example of how working on something a child is interested in helps him develop a more positive attitude toward school and exams. Andy was a typical 14-year-old who was uninspired and unmotivated in school. Andy said he wasn’t interested in what was taught in school because he couldn’t see the need for learning those subjects.

He knew he needed financial security as an adult though but has never thought of what he wanted to be. He far as he was concerned, wasn’t particularly skilful at anything at all.

We worked on helping Andy identified his interest and help him understood how the subjects in school can support him to achieve his goal. As our focus was on his needs, we could see that he started to enjoy the coaching sessions. We then worked on creating a mini project to help him achieve his dream.

The change was apparent when he was no longer yawning and feeling tired he used to be when he first started. His confidence improved and he began to see a purpose in himself. Subsequently, his attitude towards his school subjects too enhanced, resulting in better grades in his exams.

His teacher appraised him in the recent parent-teacher interview. Andy has realised his capability; he will no longer see himself as the good-for-nothing below average student.

This is the game changer of his life. Also, to be thanked, are the parents who work with us to support the process of personal development for their child.

I am on a mission to build more self-inspired and happier next generation so they can live life more fulfilled. When we have more people living fulfilled life, the world will become a more peaceful place. I would like to call on all parents to join me on this quest. The quest of allowing your children to dream, to live the life they dream of and be a happier and more fulfilled person.

If the idea intrigues you and you wish to have a chat, feel free to ring/WhatsApp me at +6148727 8285 or contact me here.

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‘School is boring’, ‘I don’t need to go to school’, ‘I don’t like the subject, so I don’t pay attention in class’ are the three common phrases I hear almost daily if not weekly from the teenagers I coach.

It hurts me to see our very bright and intelligent children not applying themselves to reach their full potential. They seem uninterested, unmotivated and uninspired in school and their life in general. Having integrated the technologies seamlessly into their life, they tend to be impatient, apathetic and disconnected from the real world.

As parents, we are also unprepared for the changes that emerging technology has brought to us. The screen addiction issue that many of our children are facing is just proof of how unprepared we are.

Many countries are piloting driverless cars, automated drug dispensing machines and 3D printed buildings with robot involvement and minimal human input. This is no longer science fiction – this is science fact.

What are the jobs left for our children? Will there be a job in their ideal field of study when they graduate?

Is there a way to better prepare our children?

The FYA New Work Reality 2018 reports that automation will reduce 70% of the entry-level jobs in Australia. This leaves most young people with less work to apply for; fighting for a limited pool of jobs that demand creativity and other enterprise skills. The question then becomes: are your children skilled with relevant future-oriented enterprise and technology-based skills that will allow them to participate in the workforce of the future? Do they think a standard degree-based education is sufficiently going to prepare them for a dynamic workplace of the future?

These are the only be three job cluster that are predicted to grow. Automation will replace routine, manual, administrative and repetitive jobs. The following areas are set for growth rather than decline because robots and artificial Intelligence cannot easily do them:

72% of CEOs believe that enterprise skills are more important to the success of their business than hard skills. The FYA New Work Reality report asserts that training in enterprise skills accelerates candidates to transition to full time work by 17 months quicker than candidates without this training.

It is obvious that Enterprise Skills are the skills that will help our children to stand a greater chance of employment. The top 10 in demand enterprise skills based on research by Linked-In are:

1. Communication

2. Organisation

3. Teamwork

4. Punctuality

5. Critical-Thinking

6. Social Skills

7. Creativity

8. Interpersonal communication

9. Adaptability

10. Friendliness

This list shows that children will need to be prepared for the fast pace development that will affect their jobs and life. Adaptability and resilience to changes are key. The ability to learn a new skill with a positive mindset is also very important. The study also shows that stress levels increase due to change. Having the skill to remain calm and manage stress requires one to learn how to master their mind.

In the recent parent-teacher interviews, a teacher told me that many seemly smart and intelligent students break down when ‘push comes the shove’ as there were simply not prepared and equipped with the skills to manage stress.

As coaches, we have also noticed that the young and vibrant kids are fast learners and never short on ideas. As they lack real-working world experiences, they tend to underestimate things and be under-prepared. In the workshops that we run, we help children identify their strengths, build on them and work on their weakness. We also focus on self-mastery skills that help children to develop their full potential.

If you wish to find out more about how you can help your child develop these skills, please do not hesitate to get in touch with us. You’re welcome to either ring/whatsapp +61487278285 or email us.

In order to help parents like yourself to understand the changes and developments that will affect our next generation better, I invite you and your friends to join the Epic Parent Community Group, where we keep each other updated of technology development, implications for education, job markets and how it affects our children.

We also aim to share helpful parenting tips, answer any queries that you may have and support each other in getting the best out for our kids and being their best coach.

This group is a CLOSED GROUP. It is normally open to Epic Intellect clients BUT now open to ALL for a LIMITED time only. All you need to do is to join is:

1. LIKE Epic Intellect’s Facebook Page and

2. Request to join the Epic Parents Group.

Last week, I challenged you to hand the control of your child’s life back to them. I knew it was confronting, but it was by no means to discredit the love any parent has for their children.

In fact, a parent’s love for their children cannot be measured. It is one of the greatest passions that transcends heartbreak, disappointment and sorrow.

This love, however, is one of the primary sources of problems between parents and their children. It is because parents love and care so much that they “interfere” in their children’s lives. It is because they want to help their children to have what they see as the shortest, smoothest path to a better life that they chime in. It is also for love that parents are willing to risk their most valuable relationship with their children, sometimes going as far as yelling, scolding, screaming, and threatening them, just to ensure their children are doing the right thing and making the right decisions.

If parents knew of a better and more effective way to communicate and respond to their children, of course, they wouldn’t choose to yell, scold, scream or shout.

The good news is, there actually is a better way to a more harmonious and peaceful approach to parenting. With a simple mindset shift, a different picture will emerge.

As mentioned in my blog last week, Nancy loves her daughter to bits. It was out of love that she felt the strong need to sway her daughter’s (Yin) decision to???. But what she couldn’t see in herself was that her love turned into over-protection, and the over-protection turned into control and manifested as her own anxiety.

Taking Nancy through deconstructing the issue with her, this was how the conversation went:

Mindset Shift

“Do you want Yin to be confident of her own decisions and to believe she is capable of facing whatever challenges may occur to her? Do you want her to feel like she is an empowered decision maker? Don’t you think these are essential qualities that help to develop a rock-solid personality in her?”

I went on to explain to Nancy, “If you try influencing her to change her decision, you are sending her the message that she should doubt herself because you doubted her. It also indicates that her ability to make decisions is also questionable. You may give her the option of deciding about what she wears to a party, to choose her own hairstyle or what shoes to wear, but when it comes to the big decisions in life, you are uncertain of her decision-making ability. Is this not conflicting for her?”

Nancy went quiet. She was deeply reflecting on her actions.

I then went on to play the devil’s advocate, “Let’s say you are right! She absolutely hated her choice and things did not work out. What has she learned? She has learnt to believe in herself, give her passion a good go and learn the skill of making better choices in the future. Perhaps she may also realise that a hobby may not be a career. MOST IMPORTANTLY, though, she has learnt that at some stage of our lives, we make poor choices, but that is NOT the end of the world and she can go on to learn the skill of fixing up her poor choices. Aren’t these far MORE POWERFUL and transferable skills to learn?”

Knowing the Trap

It was clear to me that Nancy had fallen into the trap of focusing on the outcome instead of embracing the lessons learned from focusing on the process.

She was also unaware of transferring her anxiety and fear to her daughter. At the same time, she sent mixed messages to her 18-year-old leading to her being a bit more confused.

Unfortunately, many of us are like Nancy. Parents need to develop the skill and ability to be introspective and intervene with our own unsupportive emotive reactions that originate in our fears and anxieties.

Stopping Yourself from Falling into The Trap

The development of such power requires one to have a clear mind; clear enough to see through the various masks of our own barriers. Settling the mind takes time, just like a ripple in a pond takes time to disappear and for the water to look still again. The skill requires one to find a quiet time daily to just sit and be non-judgemental, using awareness of one’s breath as the tool to stay in the present moment and not manufacture more thoughts.

I usually suggest to my clients to start with 5-minutes of ‘stillness time’. If they have a busy schedule, I suggest that they wake up 5 minutes early. This is a practice that I have personally adopted for many years now. This is also one of the critical factors in my own transformation and for all my clients. It is the tool that many well-known successful personalities like Oprah Winfrey, Tony Robbins and Dr. Shefali Tsabary use for themselves and have helped many hundreds and thousands of people to create transformation for themselves.

It is not until we become the bystander and the observer of our own mental drama that we can develop the powerful skill of introspection and break through our habitual emotive reactions. Developing new skills and breaking away from old habits takes time. When this skill is developed, you will have no doubt that every 5 minutes you spend daily are the best minutes of your life.

Have you ever been so worried about your child’s future that you felt paralysed? Are you wondering if your child is making the right choices? Could their choice of study be based on a hobby or influences by friends rather than a real passion?

When your child says to you, “I know what I am doing, mum,” You want to believe that they do, but you nevertheless have doubts.

Nancy’s daughter, Yin, had just got her results in the VCE (Victorian Certificate of Education) and wanted to pursue a career in veterinary science. This is what Nancy said to me, “I am worried that she made the wrong choice. Being a vet is a hard job, and it is even harder to study towards being a vet. I don’t want to see her having to stress in studies like her elder sister did. Plus, she is too young, I would prefer for her to wait a couple of years before she goes abroad for further education. I have been feeling anxious in this regard for many weeks. I wish she would choose to become a pharmacist, if not easier at least it will be a less stressful job”. At this stage, I stopped her and asked, “Whose worries are these? Yours or your child’s?”

There are many parents like Nancy. She loves her kids to bits and wants to see her children have a less stressful life. If you are like Nancy, I apologise if the rest of the blog appears confronting to you.

As our conversation went on, she said, “It is my worry and my fear. I don’t want her to blame me for not giving her the right advice if she fails in her choice of path. I should know better than she does and I should stop her”.

“How do you know that she won’t make it? What if she is not happy doing what you suggested for her and later regrets that she did not pursue her own dream” I asked Nancy.

At such a critical juncture of our children’s lives, parents are faced with many dilemmas. Do we make this turning point decision for our child or do we allow them to choose?

Unfortunately, too many parents will jump to their child’s “rescue” as they think the mistake is too costly for their child to make.

For some, a similar dilemma begins as early as the time their child enters high school, or even primary school.

If you are one of those worried parents, I challenge you to ask yourself these questions:

Whose life is your child living?

Is your child living your life (where you choose for them) or are they living their life? Even though we give birth to our children, care and provide for them, do we really have the right to decide for them? Who do you think has the right to choose YOUR CAREER? Is it your parents, your spouse, or yourself? I think the answer is clear here, right? If it is NOT your parents, then why are you choosing your child’s career for them?

Now, you may counter back by saying: “My child is too young to know, we as parents know better,” and this leads us to my next question…

Are they too young to choose? Or are you too afraid to trust them?

The ability to have control and make choices is critical for a child’s growth. By being over authoritative and too eager to get things right for our children, we are depriving them of creating decision-making skills. By not trusting that our children have the capability to deliver the results of their choices, we are depriving them of trust. If we, in turn, have confidence in them and give them the trust to make that very important turning point decision, then we are showing them that we have confidence,trust and belief in them.

Wouldn’t this be a superior way of learning for our children? How about toughening up ourselves, being their cheerleaders and a flotation device for when they are drowning in stress?

Wouldn’t you love to have an autonomous, confident and self-trusting child?

What if your child does make it and becomes successful?

We know that people who pursue their dreams have a higher chance of success, and those who don’t, well, they end up living an average life (if not a miserable one). So, what are your odds here? Do you want your child to regret not pursuing their dream? Would you like to be the person responsible should their life become miserable?

I was worried too…

When my son entered high school, he went in with the ambition of becoming an E-sporter. Though the term may sound nice, to me, it just meant, GAMER. Being a concerned parent, of course, I knew gaming wasn’t going to be a realistic career. To be a top E-sporter who makes hundreds of thousands a year is similar to competing for the title of Miss Universe Pageant. I was secretly disappointed and wished that he would choose a more conventional career.

On the other hand, I knew that it was his life we were discussing, not mine. Rather than panicking, I saw the opportunity for my child to learn to be someone who dares to dream and who dares for their dream to come true.

Instead of pouring cold water over his ambition, I asked him to research and work on a plan to help him achieve what he wants. I told him I would support him and we could find someone to train him. I asked him to learn from his favourite E-Sporter too.

A year later, my son said he realised that gaming is just entertainment to him and he doesn’t have the skill set in gaming to turn it into a career. He has come to realise what it takes to be a world-class E-Sporter and decided to pursue his dream to be an author and an entrepreneur, creating stories for good games.

As I wasn’t trying to influence him either way, he doesn’t blame me for discouraging him. Not only that, but he learned to understand his own strengths and weaknesses.

At the surface level, it would have been easier for me to take the authoritative approach as most parents do, but the more powerful lessons lies beneath the flat “No” response that most parents employ. Having the courage and awareness to divert from our usual responses requires skilful effort and knowing the right techniques to change.

If you would like to find out more on how you can help yourself to transform, keep an eye out for our next blog or check out our Parenting Gen Z Course.

I was a consultant and am now a coach and therapist. I am also a mother, a role that I am very proud of.

There are several pearls of wisdom and values that I hold on to and live my life by.

Firstly, I believe that our mind is very powerful. When we master our mind, we can master anything in this world.

Secondly, I believe in change and that everyone can change for the better. For the past 20 years, I have worked with many business, organisations, and individuals to help them transform for the better. I know transformation can happen and the skill is in taking the MOST effective path.

Thirdly, I believe everyone has their unique potential, and we when we tap into them, we can shine and have a fulfilling life.

I am passionate about helping our next generation shine. Allowing them the space they need to grow so that their authenticity can show. However, I have seen too many good individuals, fail to be the parents their child needs them to be, and many children feel stifled to the extent of suffocation by their over-caring parents. What hurts me the most is seeing the broken parent and child relationship of these two fine and marvellous individuals.

I admit that I was once an over-worrying like many of you too, as I did not know how to parent any better. No one had ever taught me how-to effectively parent. Occasionally well-meaning relatives and friends would “share” with me what they thought I should be doing. I had read some parenting books, and listened to the advice of the experts. When I “missed” the terrible twos of my son, I thought I had passed the test of being a “fine” mother.

But things started to change when he was four years old. I felt the horror of Snow White’s stepmother when she was confronted by the “magic mirror”. Except my competitor wasn’t another “Snow White” but was the version of a grounded well-balanced mother that I had always wanted to be for my son. My little cutie pie was the “magic-mirror” of my life. In him, I saw the reflections of myself but it was the monster-me, the ugly side of me that I had been trying to hide from him. I knew instantly, something has to change. And that something was “I” had to change.

The hurting and confronting truth was, I did NOT qualify to “teach” him if I couldn’t change. How can we teach someone to bake a cake when we DO NOT even know how to bake a cake, right?

Then I looked in my toolbox of life skills that I had learned over the years to find the skills that I need to help me work on changing myself. Having learned mindfulness and meditation, I knew I needed lots of mindfulness to change, and for that I needed meditation to rewire my mind, with regards to the way I perceived things, the way I reacted/acted and at the more fundamental level, to remove the subconscious conditioning and blocks that had been part of me for as long as I can remember. I had my share of failures and success. When I failed, I would forgive myself and try again, and when I succeeded, I celebrated every little success to boost myself to continue on this journey.

It wasn’t an easy journey, particularly when I was doing it so differently from my friends and parents. I used to fall back to old habits from time to time. Well-meaning friends and relatives would criticise me saying: you are too lenient, you’ve got to make sure your son focus and spend less time on games and pay more attention to study, and spend more time outdoors. The list of advice never ended, but I had faith in what I was doing as I could see the change in myself. I became more peaceful and less temperamental. I also knew life was not always going to be smooth sailing and when I would fall, I picked myself up faster and recovered faster.

The most fulfilling part of the journey so far is to see that my 14-year-old young man now is self-disciplined, independent and has a clear direction for his future. He also has a good mentor and supportive friends who care for each other and he knows that he is loved and can be himself. There is a journey for him too, but I know I have done my job. I need to continue to walk my talk and show him the way. (NOT teach, teachers are in school and my role as a mother is to love and care for him and be his role model)

I am determined to help children and parents with the skills I have learned through these years, combining, mindfulness, meditation, my experience in the corporate world, counselling, therapy, and sub-conscious mind programming because I know there are many parents who are struggling and who deserve the skills to be the BEST Parent they can be. I know that most children out there love and care for their parents and deserve to be given an environment where their authentic self can shine, and to have boundless love for themselves and their parents.

Parenting is one of the most rewarding ways for us to grow. We may think we are bringing up our child but at the same time, our child is bringing us up too! Changes in life are part of growth. Change is inevitable in life, however the success in transformation lies in choosing the most skilful means and equitable support or coaches/mentor. When you get the combination right, you will not only help yourself but also your child/children.

Parenting can be different, but we must be the one who starts the change.