Have you ever been so worried about your child’s future that you felt paralysed? Are you wondering if your child is making the right choices? Could their choice of study be based on a hobby or influences by friends rather than a real passion?
When your child says to you, “I know what I am doing, mum,” You want to believe that they do, but you nevertheless have doubts.
Nancy’s daughter, Yin, had just got her results in the VCE (Victorian Certificate of Education) and wanted to pursue a career in veterinary science. This is what Nancy said to me, “I am worried that she made the wrong choice. Being a vet is a hard job, and it is even harder to study towards being a vet. I don’t want to see her having to stress in studies like her elder sister did. Plus, she is too young, I would prefer for her to wait a couple of years before she goes abroad for further education. I have been feeling anxious in this regard for many weeks. I wish she would choose to become a pharmacist, if not easier at least it will be a less stressful job”. At this stage, I stopped her and asked, “Whose worries are these? Yours or your child’s?”
There are many parents like Nancy. She loves her kids to bits and wants to see her children have a less stressful life. If you are like Nancy, I apologise if the rest of the blog appears confronting to you.
As our conversation went on, she said, “It is my worry and my fear. I don’t want her to blame me for not giving her the right advice if she fails in her choice of path. I should know better than she does and I should stop her”.
“How do you know that she won’t make it? What if she is not happy doing what you suggested for her and later regrets that she did not pursue her own dream” I asked Nancy.
At such a critical juncture of our children’s lives, parents are faced with many dilemmas. Do we make this turning point decision for our child or do we allow them to choose?
Unfortunately, too many parents will jump to their child’s “rescue” as they think the mistake is too costly for their child to make.
For some, a similar dilemma begins as early as the time their child enters high school, or even primary school.
If you are one of those worried parents, I challenge you to ask yourself these questions:
Whose life is your child living?
Is your child living your life (where you choose for them) or are they living their life? Even though we give birth to our children, care and provide for them, do we really have the right to decide for them? Who do you think has the right to choose YOUR CAREER? Is it your parents, your spouse, or yourself? I think the answer is clear here, right? If it is NOT your parents, then why are you choosing your child’s career for them?
Now, you may counter back by saying: “My child is too young to know, we as parents know better,” and this leads us to my next question…
Are they too young to choose? Or are you too afraid to trust them?
The ability to have control and make choices is critical for a child’s growth. By being over authoritative and too eager to get things right for our children, we are depriving them of creating decision-making skills. By not trusting that our children have the capability to deliver the results of their choices, we are depriving them of trust. If we, in turn, have confidence in them and give them the trust to make that very important turning point decision, then we are showing them that we have confidence,trust and belief in them.
Wouldn’t this be a superior way of learning for our children? How about toughening up ourselves, being their cheerleaders and a flotation device for when they are drowning in stress?
Wouldn’t you love to have an autonomous, confident and self-trusting child?
What if your child does make it and becomes successful?
We know that people who pursue their dreams have a higher chance of success, and those who don’t, well, they end up living an average life (if not a miserable one). So, what are your odds here? Do you want your child to regret not pursuing their dream? Would you like to be the person responsible should their life become miserable?
I was worried too…
When my son entered high school, he went in with the ambition of becoming an E-sporter. Though the term may sound nice, to me, it just meant, GAMER. Being a concerned parent, of course, I knew gaming wasn’t going to be a realistic career. To be a top E-sporter who makes hundreds of thousands a year is similar to competing for the title of Miss Universe Pageant. I was secretly disappointed and wished that he would choose a more conventional career.
On the other hand, I knew that it was his life we were discussing, not mine. Rather than panicking, I saw the opportunity for my child to learn to be someone who dares to dream and who dares for their dream to come true.
Instead of pouring cold water over his ambition, I asked him to research and work on a plan to help him achieve what he wants. I told him I would support him and we could find someone to train him. I asked him to learn from his favourite E-Sporter too.
A year later, my son said he realised that gaming is just entertainment to him and he doesn’t have the skill set in gaming to turn it into a career. He has come to realise what it takes to be a world-class E-Sporter and decided to pursue his dream to be an author and an entrepreneur, creating stories for good games.
As I wasn’t trying to influence him either way, he doesn’t blame me for discouraging him. Not only that, but he learned to understand his own strengths and weaknesses.
At the surface level, it would have been easier for me to take the authoritative approach as most parents do, but the more powerful lessons lies beneath the flat “No” response that most parents employ. Having the courage and awareness to divert from our usual responses requires skilful effort and knowing the right techniques to change.
If you would like to find out more on how you can help yourself to transform, keep an eye out for our next blog or check out our Parenting Gen Z Course.