The concept of self-confidence refers to having self-assurance in one’s judgement, ability, power, etc. One’s self-confidence increases from experiences of having mastered particular activities. It is a positive belief that in the future, one can generally accomplish what one wishes to do and, more specifically, trust in one’s ability to achieve a goal, according to Wikipedia. Alain De Bottom, the founder of The School of Life, a philosopher, author and a speaker, said that self-confidence is one of the most trivial but crucial ingredients behind success.
Though many are aware of the importance of self-confidence, the degree of influence is more significant than they imagine it to be. Researchers are starting to see self-confidence as a critical element of personal well-being and happiness.
The self-assurance and trust one has towards oneself is directly linked to almost every element that is involved in having a happy and fulfilled life. The courage and positive belief one has, is the most significant fuel towards one’s success. With that knowing and certainty, one can overcome any challenges that life brings upon them and pick themselves up in the roughest and toughest time.
People who have high self-confidence are less fearful, less anxious and have a more exceptional ability to calm that negative voice in their head. They have greater motivation and are more resilient too. When a person has high confidence, they are less focused on him or herself because they know they don’t feel lack and do not put themselves below others. They are proud of their authenticity and are not afraid to stand up for what they believe. They have better relationships and feel more fulfilled in life.
Born Confident
We are born with self-confidence, not afraid to be judged, and we do as we please. As babies, we cry when we are hungry, laugh aesthetically when we are happy and chuck a tantrum when we are upset, not bothered where we are or who is watching us. As babies, we were comfortable to express how we truly feel and exhibit our true-self.
Somewhere in our life, however, our parents ‘corrected’ the behaviours that they deemed inappropriate to conform to our culture and fit into the accepted set of social-behaviour.
Parenting Styles Influence Child’s Self-Confidence
As parents, we too have ‘corrected’ our children’s behaviour so that they fit into this standard pre-defined rule that is accepted by society. This process is widely known as disciplining our child. Unknown to some parents though is, how we teach our children has a significant influence on their confidence.
The overly strict parenting style crushes the innate confident and robust nature of a child. As for a more passive and agreeable nature child, the being excessively harsh and controlled led them to become obedient follower and people-pleaser, feeling obliged to others while they are dying for some freedom and independence inside.
On the other end of the spectrum, soft nature parents find it extremely difficult to regulate their fear, feeling overwhelmed in stressful situations, failing to standard their ground, fail to demonstrate self-confidence to their child.
Overly caring parental style too can cause children to become timid, having lived under their protection of the overly protective parents.
In all the above scenarios, grow children with confidence issues. In the same light, parents themselves are lacking self-confidence that they can allow their child the space to develop and grow. They lack trust towards their children’s ability to handle issues that arise, depriving them of the chances of learning and solving their problems.
Not having problem-solving opportunities and empowerment, children doubt themselves when faced with challenges in life. They either break-down, go into depression or anxiety not having the confidence, belief and determination to walk out of a sticky life situation. They may also end up blaming themselves, feeling guilty, or feeling responsible for their failure, just precisely like they felt when they were little and how their over-powering parents treated them.
Zack, a teenager that I coached, displays such behavior. Having overly strict parents, Zack did not have the confidence of making his own decisions. He feared making choices that would upset his parents. He was often unsure of what he needed to do, what he wanted in life and displayed an overly dependent behavior. He felt that he was not able to do anything right and would rather be dependent as he fears independence. As he no say most of the time and not empowered to make choices, he appeared as a uninterested and unmotivated towards life.
Education Performance and Self-Confidence
As an added complication, Zack was also behind in school and barely pass any tests. Failing to keep up with school work, he felt stupid, useless and was ashamed of himself. Feeling stifled at home and not doing well in school, his self-confidence was extremely low. As you can clearly see, it is a vicious cycle of low self-confidence resulting in low performance, and low performance causes even lower self-confidence.
The most unfortunate part of the current knowledge-based education system though, is school performance is directly linked to a child’s success. A child who is non-academic has the invisible constant push from society to do well academically, as there are no other ways that the current education system could measure them. Parents too have the old-school mindset of linking the children’s non-performance as a projection of non-achievement of the child’s future, not realising,education result is no longer the right bench mark in this current world.
Self-Confidence can be learnt and developed
The good news is, low self-confidence is an inherited problem. In contrary, it is a skill that one can rebuild and develop. There are various methods and strategies that one can use to help themselves or their children to rebuild the lost self-confidence. Next week, we will look at some case studies of how we can help our children to develop their self-confidence, become resilient and have a happier and fulfilled life.